Our sweet Judd

I have been putting off this post because I know it's going to be painful to write. I'm going to keep it brief because my emotions are still raw and I cry everytime I think about it, let alone write about it.

We lost our sweet, sweet Judd on Thursday October 18th. He fought long, hard and all the way until the end with his battle against cancer. I am so proud of him and hope I can be as couragious as him one day.

Jordan's Dad was diagnosed with leukemia a year and a half ago while vacationing in Hawaii. He was very sick but got better. He was strong and fought hard but the cancer kept coming back and became more aggressive each time. He remained so positive and had faith that could move mountains. The nurses ADORED him and would often fight over who was going to treat him that shift. He would repeatedly say, "I'm great" when asked how he was feeling or if he was in any pain. Literally, he never complained.

The months passed and his hospital visits became more frequent and more lengthy. We would visit him as much as possible but children were often not allowed since sickness was a major concern. This is my one regret. I wish I would have gone up there more. I wish I would have talked to him more about his parents who I never knew, his childhood, his accomplishments in life, all of the things he still wanted to experience. My heart aches and my stomach churns when I think about it. I am extremely grateful for the 8 years I was able to share with him though. I feel so lucky to be married to one of his sons. He loved his boys and raised them all to be incredible men.

Judd's life seemed to be ticking away quickly as we watched his body start to shut down. He became so thin and frail, it was extremely hard to see what was happening. He became very sick on October 17th, my birthday. I devastating phone call from Judy informing me that they would be removing Judd from all of his medication and sending him home with hospice. I could not believe what I was hearing. We all thought he would just get better again, he always managed to pull through, why not now? Judd's family gathered around him all night and shared tears, memories and even some laughter. I knew his parents were there with us, I could feel them.

As the hours passed, people came, said their final good-byes and left. It was always excrutiating to watch someone spend those last, sacred moments with him. I knew my time was coming and the thought of saying good bye seemed impossible, I wasn't strong enough and I wasn't ready yet. I approached him and all I could do was cry. I tried to choke out some words but I felt so raw and vulnerable that not much came out. I kissed him, thanked him for the last 8 years and told him we would take care of Judy. I cried to entire 30 minute drive home.

I will never forget the memories I have of Judd. I will never forget how much he loved me, Jordan, Hendrix and Remmi. I will never forget his smile and sparkly eyes. I will never forget his kind soul and giving heart. I will never forget my time with him. I will never forget him.

I cherish this picture. It's the only one I have of Judd holding Remmi.