True heartache.

A lot of people have been wondering how are IUI process has turned out this month, so instead of calling you all one by one and feeling my heart break over and over again, I thought it would be best to just post it on here. Our IUI was actually successful. We found out a few days ago that we were finally pregnant after trying for 21 months but my HCG levels were pretty low so we weren't out of the woods yet. We didn't want everyone to get excited for us and then have to call them back with disappointing news. This was the best thing we could have done because we DID get that disappointing news today. They tested my HCG levels again to see if they were going up (like a normal pregnancy should) but they ended up going down. The nurse sadly informed me that we were going to have ANOTHER miscarriage. Yep, miscarriage #3. Good thing my best friend was in the car with me when I found out because I completely lost it and was lucky to have her there with me. Thank you Meghan.

So a new journey begins for us. I guess we'll now be testing to see why I can't carry a pregnancy instead of why we can't get pregnant. Neat. Sometimes I just feel like it would be easier to give up. I don't know if my heart could handle a 4th miscarriage and I don't know if it's worth it to try again and find out. I think about all of the amazing vacations we could go on with Hendrix and the incredible colleges we could afford to send him to if he ended up being our only child. I think about how awesome my body would feel with out all of the hormones in it and the satisfaction of knowing that I will never see another negative pregnancy test EVER again. I could focus my attention more on living life and enjoying it instead of worrying about what day of my cycle it is, how many months have passed by and making sure I don't drink too much diet coke. That route seems so easy and wonderful but I watch my baby getting bigger every day see him develop into a little person and my heart aches when I think that I might not be able to experience another child growing up ever again. I'm torn.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm handling it so well and that I have such a good attitude but deep down inside, every inch of my body hurts. I feel broken. I feel like my heart can only take so many beatings before it gives up. I feel my faith and testimony slipping away. My world seems upside down. But I remember that I need to be strong for my Hendrix. I HAVE to pick myself up and move forward somehow because he doesn't need to see me hurting he doesn't need to be affected by this. All he needs is to be loved. And that's when I snap back to reality and try to find the tiniest positive thing that can come from this situation. I realize now that Hendrix is a miracle and I cannot take one day for granted with him. He is the best gift I have ever been given and I have to cherish that gift and be thankful for it everyday. And I will, no matter what life brings our way.